Operation Girlfriend
by Kohaku no Hime
Summary: Noa has to wonder: why has Seto not gotten a girlfriend by now? He decides to analyze the problem and comes up with a rather interesting solution. No official pairings.


_I...don't have a clue where this came from._

_I happened to remember one of my teachers getting unknowingly signed up on E-Harmony and his reaction to it, plus my brother and I had a discussion about the topic discussed in this story. This...this...whatever you may call it...is the result._

_Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN FANFICTION. I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and I certainly hope I never own E-Harmony. This is non-yaoi, and all flamers will be charbroiled with their own flame._

_Have fun._

* * *

**15 July 2009  
2:43 A.M.**

**There is virtually nothing that Seto Kaiba does not own.**

**No, seriously, he has almost everything in the world. Don't believe me, huh? Figured as much—there's always a Doubting Thomas somewhere. Well, for all you folks out there who think I am exaggerating, I have composed a list proving that he_ does_ have everything:**

**_-Money_****: That's laughable—he's the third richest man in the world.**

**_-Power_****: The President is reduced to a toddler when it comes to that.**

**_-Big house_****: It would put the White House to shame.**

**_-Family_****: Of course. His brothers are as good as sons (I should know; I'm one of them).**

**_-A company_****: ...You would have to be really thick to not figure that one out _(Kaiba Corporation_...Seto _Kaiba_...duh)_._**

**_-Fancy car(s):_**** Does a jet in the shape of the Blue Eyes White Dragon count?**

**_-Mad skills at his hobbies:_**** Y'know that one song about Kung-fu Fighting? He IS faster than lightning. He also is a really great player at any sort of strategy game—don't challenge him lest you wish to be slaughtered. Come to think of it, he has the magic touch: he's good at everything.**

**_-Respect: _****I would actually use the word 'fear' in place of respect. Now, the few who are in his inner circle of friends (I can count those people on one hand) have got nothing to worry about. Mokuba especially—Seto's as soft as a melted marshmallow when it comes to that kid.**

**_-Good Looks:_**** Hugh Jackman has NOTHING compared to him (of course, that is debatable, seeing how as Hugh Jackman is equally as handsome, but one must consider age and availability. Hugh is happily married and in his thirties, maybe forties; Seto is eighteen and single. I rest my case).**

**_-Intelligence_****: He'd give Einstein a run for his money.**

**Oh, I could go on like this for hours—I really could. If you still don't believe me, go look at the Wall Street Journal and ask who owns virtually all the stock in Domino and is actually slowly buying out all the stock in the worldwide market. Or better yet, why don't you go type 'Seto Kaiba' in your Google search engine and see the 216,000 results for him?**

**The way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if he became the next Alexander the Great.**

**But there are, unfortunately, a few things that the aspiring world conqueror lacks. A few examples...**

**_-Friendship:_**** The concept of friends is quite foreign to him, believe me. He regards them as allies more than friends; he seriously does, and the word 'friendship' is not to be said in his presence (unless you are Mokuba. Then you're okay). You have no idea how many times I have entreated him to hang out instead of work. That number is roughly... about as many times as his name pops up in the Google search engine. **

**Yes, I actually counted. I have a few of my own hobbies, people, get over it. I like counting.**

**Anyway, back to the subject. Enough about myself.**

**Seto regards the word 'friends' to be associated with rainbows and butterflies and multi-colored ponies; therefore, he does not bother with it. Me personally, I don't care either way. It's his decision, his life...and terrible things happen to those who interfere with Seto's life. Ask the last guy who tried to make Seto follow a path he didn't want—he jumped out a window and fell to his death forty stories below.**

**We all know who that is, so don't play dumb with me.**

**_-Balanced Lifestyle_****: Seto also lacks what I like to call 'slackerness' (yeah, I made that word up. When you get your degree as an English teacher, let me know). In one sense, I suppose, it's keeping him out of trouble.**

**His anti-drug is working himself into a grave. **

**Mokuba and I can't even make the guy take a break; we have to resort to sabotaging his alarm clock (which worked all the way until we found out Seto doesn't even need the alarm clock), drugging his food/drink (which pretty much backfired when I drank the drugged drink instead...don't ask how that works), tying him to his bed (that happened only once, and I never intend to try it again), and stealing his laptop (which is a moot point, seeing how as he has a hidden stash of them somewhere...no, I am not joking. I'm dead serious—he has a stash of laptops in case we try to steal one).**

**_-Anger Management_****: I would describe the fury that one experiences when Seto is seriously angry at you, but I think we all know what Seto is capable of when angry. He makes Category 5 hurricanes look like a summer breeze.**

**In any event, Seto has a couple...well, okay, more than a few flaws. He does not like friends, he does not ever relax, and he certainly has quite the temper. I've been on the receiving end of that anger—trust me. You don't want to be there. And that's not counting the fact that he is an insomniac, prone to skip meals on a regular basis, and he is arrogant as all get-out (okay, that's all me. The man may be arrogant, but what teenager isn't? And besides, he deserves the arrogance—he owns 3/4 of Domino already). The list of bad is equal to the amount of good in Seto's personality.**

**But I am not here to discuss what we already know about the great Seto Kaiba. If you are new to the game and haven't the foggiest what I am talking about, go look up Seto on Wikipedia.**

**...dang, he's even in the online dictionary...**

**No, off topic. Bad Noa.**

**Anyway, the real purpose behind this article is to clarify certain areas of Seto's existence...mainly his love life.**

**As I pointed out earlier, Seto is one of the most drop-dead gorgeous men of the world (no, you twisted minds out there, I am not gay. This is merely a fact—and besides, all the girls at my school call him that, despite the fact he graduated three months after he arrived). Yet, impossibly, he remains single. This within itself mystifies me. Both Mokuba and I have a fan base, and we both humor the female population. But we also know that we are far too young to think about girlfriends—or women, for that matter.**

**...Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm fifteen—if the doctor's records and my calculations are correct (though why my mind is twenty mystifies me; my body remains the size of a nine year old due to the stasis tank). I ain't that young. But still...Mokuba is almost thirteen, yet he doesn't really catch the innuendos that the girls throw at him. But don't underestimate him: he can be freaking scary when he wants to be.**

**Wait. I'm off topic again. Drat.**

**Back to the original subject—my stepbrother's relational status.**

**By the way, Seto is not gay.**

**...hey, that rhymed! I'm a regular Doctor Seuss!!**

**NO! I'm off again! Why I'm writing this while on a sugar high is beyond my brain's capacity to understand right now. I know I will end up regretting putting this in writing…karma doesn't like me all too well.**

**Now, as we all know, Seto has encountered a whole bunch of women in his life, yet none of them seem to catch his interest. Why, you ask? Hmm...to be honest, I don't really know myself. So I had to...er...well, let's just say that a little bit of truth serum in his coffee goes a long way. **

**...Yes, people. I like to play mad scientist in my spare time when not busy counting random objects. Heaven forbid I have hobbies.**

**Anyway, after asking Seto about the following women, I wrote down what he said and compiled his words—verbatim—what he said while under the influence of the drug. So, in order of asking (and remember, kids, this is not me talking—these are Seto Kaiba's words):**

_Fan Girls:_

First of all, Noa, you're being ridiculous. If you think for one minute that I would surrender my body willingly to some groupies, you're out of your mind. I know for a fact that you got that one letter from some woman in Germany that was asking you to come over and—

**Sorry. I know I said that these were Seto's words, and that I wouldn't comment in them at all. But…er…for dignity's sake (and to preserve whatever innocence you may have), we aren't going to go over what the letter said about me.**

**I am a shameless coward, yes I know. **

**Moving on.**

I am well aware of the website called, "Fanfiction" that insists that I end up with what are termed Mary-Sue's: perfect, beautiful women who have some tragic past and I end up healing them, we get married, and end up having kids that appear in a show called, "Yu-Gi-Oh! GX"

…You have any idea what that's about?

I'd like to point out the fact to all those…_girls_…out there who are deluding themselves into thinking that I will end up paired with their Mary-Sue and (through extension) themselves that no one is that perfect…ever. It's just not humanly possible.

In a nutshell: give up, or at least make your characters human and with flaws. I get an enjoyable read, too, out of the bargain.

_Anzu Mazaki_

Personally, I have nothing against her. She is intelligent enough in her own right, is somewhat pretty, and she can hold her own. She is loyal to her beliefs, and she is a studious individual. Also, she is the most normal of the women that you have asked me about. But she has four reasons against her that I really can't abide with.

The first two reasons are shorter than you, Noa, have spiky rainbow colored hair, and is named Yugi (I don't rightly know or care about the name of his other personality—_he doesn't exist_).

Anzu is quite fond of the two of them. It seems that she can't quite make up her mind about whether or not she is in love with Yugi, her childhood friend—if I heard that right—or the figment of everyone's imagination, the Pharaoh. I bet that she probably has nightmares trying to figure out who she loves more...good thing neither of them can read minds.

Another reason: the woman's far too bossy.

I've seen the way she orders the dog and Honda, and there is not a snowball's chance in the sun that I will allow her to boss me around. She can try to, but the minute she does is the minute that I'm gone.

Final reason: friendship.

To be in a relationship with Anzu, that would require me to be friends with Yugi. That is tolerable, provided I am not struck dead from repressed loathing that I am dating his crush. But to be friends with the band of idiots that she surrounds herself with is inexcusable. I can_not _even begin to imagine the chaos that would ensue. So, Anzu is out.

_Mai Valentine _

Mai is far too flashy for my tastes. She needs to wear something that does not resemble a bra and is long enough to pass of as a mini-skirt—for heaven's sake, the woman is practically naked. Her favorite monster also suffers from a lack of clothes. I never liked Harpies to begin with, but that outfit she wears is enough to make a man go mad.

Not to mention she's loud, pushy, and rather pathetic when it all boils down to it. She still hasn't apologized for what she did after Battle City...not that I blame her. I'd most likely do something like that, too, if I was as weak as she was. What did she do, Noa? Ask Yugi and his friends; that is not my concern what Mai did.

However, she is a fairly decent duelist, and she is beautiful to boot. What man _wouldn't _want her?

Well, actually, I can think of one mutt who is drooling all over her. Yet another clichéd love triangle—spare me the drama. The thought that the mutt wants her is enough of a turn-off.

She also is as arrogant as me. That will not fly, Noa, unless you want to deal with _two _arrogant people in your life. And from what I gathered in our ever-so brief meeting, she's materialistic to boot. We'd be on the street in no time, with not even one penny to rub our fingers against. After working for nearly seven years to get to my position today, I would rather not start over.

She also strikes me as the type who would attract unwanted attention and I'd have to end up acting as a jealous guard dog. I'd also have to deal with whatever drama she brought back with her. No thank you, I have enough on my plate. She needs to be a big girl and fight her own fights, without getting miffed that she was thrown into a coma by invisible knockout gasses (that's my story and I am sticking to it).

And the final straw to the camel's back: she wears too much makeup, too much perfume, and too much purple.

Mai is not even debatable. She's not in my range of interests.

_Ishizu Ishtar_

How would it be, Noa, if you had someone spout off some ridiculous nonsense about destiny and how you were intertwined with fate to fight the figment of imagination called the Pharaoh? (Seriously, Yugi just has to stand up straighter and deepen his voice…I bet he even found a way to make that ridiculous pendant glow, too).

That would be Ishizu in a nutshell.

Now, don't get me wrong—the woman is just as beautiful as Mai, maybe more so because she acts her age and is conservative enough to not display her body as flippantly as Mai; the only makeup I can see on her would be the kohl on her eyes. Beyond that, she has that natural beauty that would make any man fall head over heels in love with her.

In fact, of the women you listed, she's the one that would, under different circumstances, might be the one I'd end up with.

But the circumstances haven't changed and they remain.

One huge reason I haven't asked her out already is actually two people: Marik and Rishid.

I know that there's a story going around about how Marik saw the light and stopped being psycho, and I also have forgiven him for kidnapping my brother (albeit reluctantly). But I know for a fact that everyone thinks Ryou Bakura is as innocent as he looks, too, and he is not capable of harm.

I know for fact he is most certainly _not_ innocent.

I don't trust Marik, not in the slightest. If you can go psycho once, you can do it again easily. And since nowadays people can get off murder charges by claiming MPD, I am not willing to risk it.

Even if I did, I am fairly sure that Rishid would be keeping an eye on me to make sure nothing happened to his sister. I don't really want a guy that tall, muscled, and with hieroglyphs down one side of his face following me around, glaring at me 24/7.

But, outside of the other two reasons I have given, there is one final one that cinches the deal:

Ishizu is too much like me.

She's too smart for her own good, she's way too calm about things, and she has a rather annoying habit of getting under my skin. I wouldn't be able to stand it; I'd go mad.

_Shizuka Kawai_

A wise man once told me not to kick a sleeping dog in the face.

I would be drop-kicking Jounouchi if I dated his sister.

If one wants to analyze his sister, I would be honest: she is nothing like her brother. I had difficulty realizing that she and the mutt were even remotely related (cut me some slack. She has auburn hair, is shy, and her last name is Kawai. How am I supposed to know she's related?).

I have a whole slew of reasons as to why you won't catch me with her. Mainly, the largest one is Jounouchi.

I'm not afraid of the mutt. He's about as threatening as a gnat: annoying, but miniscule. But that would likely change the moment I look cross-eyed at Shizuka. I know for a fact how protective we can be when it comes to our siblings, and my life would be put under a microscope. He'd glue himself to me and follow me everywhere.

Thanks, but one shadow is enough.

Then, when one considers who it is that also has a crush on his sister, you might want to back off a few feet. You've got the son of the police chief, another CEO of a company, and (if one believes the rumors flying around) that Australian biker...Valon, I think…that's after the poor girl. Of the three, I have bets going that she'll end up with Valon.

I don't like Otogi or Honda at all, and it would be amusing to have a former enemy date his sister.

But then, we come to another issue: Shizuka is, roughly, fourteen. Barely older than Mokuba.

It might be all right if one of the previous three dated her, but I am an adult. She's out of bounds.

The final determining factor is that she is far too quiet and meek, and seems to burst into tears quite frequently. I don't think she'd last very long with me, seeing how as I am quite the cold-hearted dictator that everyone rightly thinks I am.

So, I am not after Shizuka.

_Rebecca Hawkins_

…Noa Kaiba, you did not just ask me if I want to date a ten year old. I must have heard things...no, you did.

Look, Noa, you and this unhealthy obsession over this girl has got to stop. I am not interested in her at all. Besides, I know that you're in lo—

**Me again. I am omitting the rest of this conversation because it is a moot point: Seto would be cradle-snatching if he dated Rebecca. Moving on.**

**…No, I did not ask Seto if he was interested in her because I have a secret crush on Rebecca.**

**And I deny just saying that.**

**…anyway, let's just move on to the next girl, shall we? Leave my love life alone.**

_Vivian Wong_

…Noa, I don't even know who you're talking about.

* * *

**In conclusion, fellow reader, there is only one verdict that I can arrive at: Seto needs to get a girlfriend.**

**But how to accomplish that? Seto has already proven that he is picky about his choices…maybe we need to invest in a tranquilizer gun. But then there's the annoying issue of kidnapping and getting Seto arrested, and I am just not willing to risk imprisonment.**

**Outside of illegal means, I don't really see any way to do it. I could write an ad in the newspaper, but somehow, I think the tabloids would definitely take that in the wrong light. Plus Seto would ground me for infinity and beyond.**

**Blind dates are out. I tried that once and ended up being sent to military camp for the summer.**

**Oh. I just got an idea.**

**(insert evil laugh)**

**This is going to be _brilliant. _**

**You want to know what I am gonna do? **

**Wait and see...until then, ciao. It's WAY past my bedtime.**

* * *

_The following morning:_

* * *

Seto was sitting calmly at his desk, typing out a much needed report on the latest project he was doing, when his phone rang.

The brunette blinked, his brow furrowing in confusion. He had told Roland that he was going to be working from home and therefore not to forward any business calls. His confusion deepened when he saw that the number on his caller ID was not familiar.

Cautiously, Seto picked it up and said, "Kaiba."

_"Hi, Seto sweetie,"_ said an unfamiliar woman on the other end of the line. "_I saw your profile and wanted to ask if you would go out with me this Friday to see if we're a match."_

Seto blinked. "Ma'am, I think you have the wrong number. I don't know who you are, but you are not worth my time."

Without saying goodbye, he hung up the phone and leaned back in his seat, trying to figure out what on earth the woman was talking about. He didn't have much time, however, for his phone had started to ring again, and it was another unidentified number. With a bewildered look on his face, Seto answered it again.

A few minutes later he slammed the phone down, blushing madly.

The phone continued to ring all that morning, and each time he answered it was another woman (sometimes man) asking him the same question: "Will you go out with me?"

It got to a point when Seto rose from his office chair, stalked angrily around the house, and disconnected every single phone he could find. Returning to the office, he called Roland on his phone and told him to change the phone number at the office. The incredibly confused Roland agreed, and Seto hung up.

Perfectly reassured that no one knew his email address or his cell phone number, he settled down once more to work. When his cell phone went off, he assumed it was Roland telling him that what had been requested was done.

"Kaiba."

_"Oh, you sweet adorable young tootsie-pie! I could just eat you up!"_

Seto blanched. The woman on the other end sounded suspiciously like an old woman. "You have the wrong number."

"_Oh no I don't, sugar. You are Seto Kaiba, born October twenty-fifth. You like beef stroganoff and hate oden. Your blood type is—!"_

Seto hung up abruptly and slouched back in his chair in disbelief. How had some random old woman gotten his cell phone number? Scratch that—how had _anybody_ gotten his cell phone number and his house number, as well as his birthday and his likes/dislikes? Those things were classified!

His cell phone rang again, and out of sheer irritation he answered, "I am not available, I do not want to waste my time dating you, so get over it and go find your dream husband somewhere else!"

_"…Yeah, I think it's safe to say that you're mad."_

Seto groaned. "Mutt, how did you get this number?"

"_You handed it out."_

"Since when?"

"_Since, according to the date on this, last night."_

Seto had a terrible sinking feeling. "Where did I hand it out on?"

"_…uh-oh." _Jounouchi apparently was talking to someone, because he could vaguely hear Yugi in the background. "_Kaiba, check your email."_

With that continued sinking feeling, Seto opened his email inbox.

_You have 12,456 new mail_

"…Mutt…why…?"

"_All right, here's the scoop. Otogi was out on E-Harmony last night to see if he had any new girlfriends, and…he, uh, found your profile."_

It took a moment for the words to sink in. "…My…_what_?"

"_Your E-Harmony profile."_

"What, may I ask, is E-Harmony?"

"_…A dating website."_

Seto honestly saw red. "How did I end up with an account on a dating website?" he asked in deliberate calm, struggling not to yell into the phone.

"_Look, Kaiba, the only way I see this is that someone knows you really well and put up all your personal information on the site. Or at least, the basics: blood type, birthday, likes and dislikes, and ways to contact you. Beyond that there is nothing."_

Seto knew good and well Mokuba would not tell anyone anything personal about his eldest brother; the amount of respect he had from Mokuba proved that. And just the other day, Noa had asked him about all of the women he had encountered…

"If you will excuse me, I have to go make sure the press does not get wind of this. Is Noa over there with you?"

_"Nope…why?"_

"I am going to kill him and he will stay dead this time."

* * *

**15 July 2009  
8:30 P.M.**

**All right. Maybe I went a little too far with the E-Harmony thing.**

**I got lucky that I have this laptop (the one with all of my future plans and pranks on it) hidden under my pillow and that Seto does not tuck me in. **

**He got lucky—the press almost found the profile, but I deleted it just in the nick of time and…to be honest, I think he set loose a really powerful virus that is tracking down all of the people who emailed him and is probably killing their computers right now. Anyone who might have tried to trace him has just lost their computer hard-drives.**

**We had to change the office number, his email, and his cell-phone number to keep anyone from calling him, but the damage control was surprisingly minimal. I plan to release an anonymous article in the local newspaper admitting that the 'Seto Kaiba on E-Harmony' was a prank and that the real Seto Kaiba does not have any love interests.**

**…if it comes up. Hopefully, I won't really have to do it.**

**I have learned a valuable lesson today: Seto is not the right man to have angry at you. My bedtime has been moved to eight o'clock, I am not allowed to do anything outside of going to school and come home to sit on my bed and stare at the wall (I am taking a HUGE risk typing this), and this is going to be an indefinite amount of time.**

**I also will never again touch sugar, not with a 39.5 foot pole. And I will never eat said sugar at two in the morning. If I ever get a bright idea at said hour of the morning, I am killing it.**

**With that being said, I bid you farewell. **

**…Seto's mad enough at me as it is. If he catches me with this, he really will kill me. **

**I just thought of something: why am I talking like there is someone reading this whole thing? There isn't going to be. Not unless Seto found this and posted my entries on the Internet. And people know me well enough to know that...frankly, I am the one writing this. That's a scary thought: Seto publishing a portion of my diary.**

**But he wouldn't do that because he doesn't know they exist.**

**Anyway, signing off.**


End file.
